Straight As A Twistie
by made.unmade
Summary: James Potter and Sirius Black are not insane. Well, they weren't before the incident.....Find out what Twisties can REALLY do to you. They're more dangerous than you think. mwpp era. Note: If you don't like randomness, don't read.


**Yo. I don't own Harry Potter. I am simply a Marauder groupie.**

* * *

As the students of Hogwarts slept, an evil tyrant/blender, named Bob, was voicing his wicked plan to the cutlery of the school kitchens.

"And then, we jump on them, and force them to eat cheese! Mauhahahahahahahahahahaha! So….do you like the plan?" The forks all nodded and grinned evilly.

The knives, however, were not satisfied. "But that is a waste of cheese! We can't waste the cheese! The cheese is like the glue of the world! It holds it all together!" they proceeded to poke Bob with toothpicks and penguins.

The spoons covered their eyes and ran, screaming from the room. "They're attacking, troops! Watch for shells! Retreat! Back to the trenches. That is what happens when spoons have shell shock. Meh. No one liked them that much anyway. They can just go drown themselves in the lake. It's nothing new. Spoons are naturally manic depressive.

Bob gave one last shaky breath before giving in to the knives; Bob, the greatest dictator in the history of cutlery despots was gone. Finished. Dead. Departed. Deceased. The forks sobbed over their leader, and proceeded to carry his lifeless body to the oven for a proper memorial and cremation. They wound his cord and plug around him, sobbing hysterically.

At the sound of the fork's cries and shrieks, a particularly devious marauder woke up. He yawned and picked up an ingenious map of Hogwarts before glancing down at it. His hazel orbs scanned the map and he noticed something strange in the kitchens. There seemed to be a large group of people. He studied their names.

Englebert the third? Junior? Junior Junior? Rhiannon the Retarded? Who were these people? And the rest of them- George I, George II, George III, George IV, all the way to George LXXIIV. Seventy-three people named George? Cruel parents.

This marauder was a rather curious character, and he decided to investigate. He pulled out his Invisibility Cloak and moved to the bed next to him to wake his partner in crime- he would've woken his other two comrades, but Peter was in the Hospital Wing and Remus got nasty when deprived of sleep. So, instead, he tiptoed through the mess that signified Sirius Black's personal radius. As he reached the bed, he laughed at Sirius; so innocent looking while he sucked his thumb and hugged his teddy. Oh, the irony! At the sound of James' mirth, Sirius stirred and woke up. He peered up at James in the dark and grinned. "Marauder Mission?"

The silence of Hogwarts at night was final and absolute. The two aforementioned Marauders crept through the silent halls, moving swiftly, and silently. They slipped through hidden passages as if they were mere shadows. As they grew near the kitchens, they heard a voice heading their way. "Come, my sweet. If any of the brats are out of bed, we'll get them." Filch! However, the school's new caretaker and his mangy cat were no match for the two marauders.

James and Sirius slipped through a tapestry and held their breath. However, Filch's cat heard them shift slightly. She turned to the tapestry. The two boys ran through the passage way, getting out a little louder than planned. They sprinted through doorways and up stairs, out of secret hiding places and into hidden trapdoors behind portraits of cheese. As they took yet another turn they saw a statue that they knew was a hidden passageway to a higher floor. They crept through it, taking care to stay silent. They climbed out of it at the end, realising they were farther away from the kitchens than ever.

Suddenly, Sirius spoke, "There's a passage near here that goes right into the 6th year girls Gryffindor dorm. Let's go." James turned to Sirius in confusion, "how did you find out about it?" Sirius shook his head, "You don't want to know…"

Lily Evans woke; with the feeling she was being watched. She heard hushed voices in the corner of the dormitory and got out of bed, panicking. As she headed to the area where she heard the voices she heard someone speak, "Maybe she didn't hear us." Wait a minute, she knew that voice…

"Bloody hell, Black, what are you doing in here? Are you borrowing Marlene's hair spray again? Who's that there with you? Is that a date with you or something? Go back to your dorm!" she questioned all in one breath. James sputtered indignantly, "I am not his date! I am NOT a cake boy!" Lily realised who it was and laughed, "Sure Potter. You are as straight as a twistie! Sirius and James looked confused.

"A what?" Sirius asked, looking puzzled. Lily answered, "A twistie! Mmmm. Twisties…" James shook his head, "What's a twistie?" Lily was shaken from her state and moved forward to put her hands on James' shoulders and say in a strangled voice, "Tell me you know what a twistie is. Tell me this is just a dream, a horrible nightmare. Please, just tell me you know what a twistie is!" James and Sirius shrugged, "this isn't a dream, or nightmare for that matter, and we don't know what 'Twisties' are." Lily suddenly collapsed dramatically to the floor. She managed to gasp, "Not…know…what…Twisties…are…………..……Must…comfort…them…."

James and Sirius looked alarmed and helped Lily up, noticing she was shaking. She suddenly leapt at the two, engulfing them in a huge hug, "You poor deprived children! What were your parents thinking? I should report them to the Child Protection Agency! Not knowing what Twisties are! Of all the things…." James looked over at Sirius in confusion, what was she on about? "Uh, lily, what are you going on about? Honestly, not knowing what these "twasters" are isn't so bad," Sirius said, patting lily on the back.

Lily's head suddenly snapped up, startling the two marauders. James noticed the manic glint in her eye and Sirius noticed her face going dark, angry red. They stepped away cautiously just before she blew up at them. No, not literally you fools! Just figuratively!

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'NOT SO BAD'? HOW COULD YOU BE SO RUTHLESS? YOU'LL HURT THE TWISTIES FEELINGS!" at this, Lily's room-mates began to stir. Casting an angry look over at them, they seemed to sense her fury in their slumber, and all turned over, and slept on. Lily nodded in satisfaction, before turning back to the boys and going on in a deathly whisper, "You must have been living under a rock! Your life is incomplete! I cannot let you leave until you know what Twisties are!"

In the next five hours, James Potter and Sirius Black learnt all there is to know about Twisties; when they were invented, their level of popularity in Britain against their fierce competitors such as Salt and Vinegar and Light 'n' Tangy, the amount of saturated fat in them, where each and every one of their factory's were with detailed insider information of the progress of the career of every person who worked for the perfection of the lovely cheesy delicacy and the motto 'Life's Pretty Straight Without Twisties' was etched into their brain.

The next day, James Potter and Sirius Black were acting very strange. They were visibly twitching, muttering "She's evil. Pure evil", and repeating the word, "Twisties". As they entered the great hall, all eyes followed them. The whispers began. Oh, darling, darling gossip. Every person stared at them, staff and students alike. James sat down, and proceeded to have a meaningful conversation with his eggs, and Sirius squealed and ran from the room when he saw Lily Evans and her friends sit down a few seats down from him.

Dumbledore turned to McGonnagal, smiling, "Ten galleons Lily Evans gave them the speech on Twisties."

* * *

**Excuse me while I go eat some Twisties. Sooooooo good...**


End file.
